Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Randomize
