hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
