clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
