i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
