Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
