I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
where are my eyebrows?
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