so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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