he shaved USA in his pubs
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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