I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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