I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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