One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
