you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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