Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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