Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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