If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
