I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
