Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
