Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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