At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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