All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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