I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
