My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
