The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
