Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
