Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
