Only a mothe r could love this liver
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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