Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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