my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
