Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My feet surprised me
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