I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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