Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
