I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
