Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
