3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
