Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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