So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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