if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
