i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
