I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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