wrigley field is MILF paradise
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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