she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
