put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
