Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
