I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
