Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
