Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Randomize
