mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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