theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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