I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
