I'm really into asian looking animals
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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